


Lilphames

by Keep_Calm_And_Ship_Demumbridge



Series: Harry Potter Crack Fics [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Awkward Sexual Situations, Crack, Micropenis, Mild Sexual Content, Other, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin (Mentioned) - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:56:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22325962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keep_Calm_And_Ship_Demumbridge/pseuds/Keep_Calm_And_Ship_Demumbridge
Summary: Continuation of 'Petusbag'. James has some fun this time.
Relationships: James Potter/Euphemia's Purse
Series: Harry Potter Crack Fics [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/924654
Kudos: 2





	Lilphames

James walked out of the bedroom with a defeated look on his face. What other bag was there? He slumped onto a kitchen chair and hit his elbow on something. He looked to his left and found his mother's purse hanging on the chair's left post. 

He held his breath as he looked at the red leather exterior. Although it was significantly smaller than Rema, it was still beautiful.

'Peter doesn't know what he's missing,' he thought, rubbing his hand across the gold handle. 

He grabbed the purse and rushed upstairs into his room. He closed the door quietly and slipped towards his bed that was mistakenly placed in the middle of the room. He sat down on his rough bed sheets and gently placed the purse down. He looked down at it lovingly. 

"Peter wouldn't let me have fun with his precious bag, Rema. That rat bastard," James scoffed. "Rema is such a bloody idiotic name, anyways. You deserve better than that…"

He pondered for a moment. What name could he give such a beautiful, red bag?

"Lilphemia! I'll call you Lilphemia in honor of the baddest witch around and the greatest mother in town."

Enthralled with his name choice, he decided to get down to business; he hastily unbuttoned his shirt and took it off, lazily throwing it onto his hardwood floor. He slowly caressed Lilphemia and blew a kiss it's way. He unzipped and unbuttoned his trousers. He turned around to face away from Lilphemia and pulled down his trousers and knickers at a speed so slow that a snail would scoff at him if snails could speak or live like normal creatures.

"I know you like it when I tease you like this," James whispered with a smirk, even though nobody was looking at him. 

After struggling to take off his trousers for half an hour, James finally had all his clothes off. He turned back around and sexily sauntered toward Lilphemia like the female rat in "Ratatoing". He sat down on his bed and placed Lilphemia into his naked lap.

"Are ya ready, kid?" James exclaimed with a hushed voice. 

James took the purse's silence as consent and decided to scoot his buttocks toward the edge of the bed. He unzipped Lilphemia and was disappointed to find his mum's belongings still in there.

"My mum uses you to store things for her lady door? What a waste of a beautiful purse…"

James took out all of his mum's belongings and put it all under his pillow. He contemplated where he would stick his massive micropenis. He decided one of the inside pockets where his mum's lipsticks were would be the best spot.

'The p-spot, lol,' James thought intelligently.

James was unsure of how Peter did this but he figured he'd need to get harder. When he looked down, he realized he was already very hard.

"Ew, I'm wet," James realized. He decided to just get into the pounding process.

He fully stood up and placed Lilphemia gently on the edge of the bed. He put his hand into the purse and found the pocket be was looking for. Sticking his tongue out ever so slightly, he opened the pocket entrance wider and stuck his favorite member in. 

His dick stung at first but as he continued to slowly thrust, the pain became numbing to him. After 10 more seconds, he violently came.

"Oh~! Bloody wanker, Lily- uh, Lilphemia!" James shouted as he finished.

James looked down at Lilphemia in shock. "I swear, I meant to say Lilphemia! I'm sorry, Lil'!" He cried.

Lilphemia didn't respond.

During his moment of panic and guilt, James failed to hear doorsteps right outside his bedroom door.

"James, what the bloody fuck are you doing?" A posh, baffled voice questioned.

James whipped around, dick still in the pocket. "Sirius! Howdy!"

Sirius looked at him dead in the eye. "James."

"If you can bone Remus, I can bone my mum's purse, Lilphemia!" James cried with motion, slightly swinging the purse.

Sirius scoffed. "Remus is a human snack, Prongsy. You just fucked a simpleton purse you named after the only two women in your life." With that, he turned around with a dramatic flip of his majestic black locks and walked out, leaving the door open.

James looked down at Lilphemia solemnly. "Don't listen to that posh bitch, babe. You're my favorite deputy. Let's go to bed."

He slowly laid down on the ground right next to his stupid bed, Lilphemia still hanging on his tiny member. Throughout the night, people walked by his room and made no attempt to wake to enter it, aside from Peter, who found the lipstick under James's pillow and drew onto his thicc lips. James was the now the prettiest boy in the house, aside from Sirius and Rema, of course.   



End file.
